The Price

The rain sought to continue
I wanted it all
But it didn't happen
I knew I would pay
For that and more
She ran
I hated her for that
I stayed to recover
I waited for this
For whatever door I chose
I thought there was
A prize
But in walking through
There was only a price

Sleeping

Don't tell me I'm sleeping here in the dark room with the talking overhead
I want to be there, but I find shadows instead
Something you said caught my attention and I knew that I couldn't let this go
Although I'm dreaming I need to be awake to tell you what I know
I'm sleeping here in the heavy feelings with the gread wide open
In my head peeling back taking sides and there's nowhere to hide
So they ask why don't I find what I'm looking for?

I tell them
"I do believe, there is no open door"

Don't tell me I'm far away slipping past the guard that isn't there
pulling myself together lying down with the dream; lying down it would seem
I'm speaking so softly you can't hear a word
and even if you did, you wouldn't know what you heard and somehow
Athough I'm far away I want to be at your side the live long day
Ticking time I thought I knew and selling all of the strength
Every drop I drew
So they ask why my heart looks for the last piece of sanity?

I tell them
"I'm down to my last piece of reality"

Don't tell me I'm sleeping

Patient Heart

Just listening
can lull me to sleep
With you here
I can fall asleep now
I love the way
and I can remember
I can dream about it forever
I like seeing
the only way I know
how
You, the teacher
I learned
With kind words
You, the doctor
My heart is the patient

Inconvenient Changes

I bathe in dreams
that reach further than I can
I sit around and wait
for fairytales to be accomplished
This is
what I ask for
This is not
what I preach
Like so many layers
I am there to peel
there inside
this shell
I grow out of pride
Seethe, and wither
somehow this too will fade
but instead of playing
dumb again
I will turn and
Save face
Changes that become inconvenient
because fingerprints of pain
are all around

Time

In a world that eludes my thoughts
and puts a dark blank area in
the middle of my being, I sit
wasting time and pulling truth
from nowhere
other than somewhere
I'd rather not be
Hell you know
I love this place
Strum my life
Just a song
I can never remember
when I open my eyes
from a far off place
feeling sad and lonely
alone with the time
Eastern Standard Bullshit

Burn

I am self absorbed
and sinking
can't function properly
within these boundaries
distracted
beyond my task
and everlasting anticipation
awaits
I don't completely
understand why
I think the answer is
somewhere
inside
Trembling from head to toe
I've captured
loneliness from you
I've been here
ever since
the day began to dawn
forever is only
a minute
and weeks
have come and gone
I ask you to teach me
to act better
I spit out images at you
like fire
from a dragon
I'm the drawbridge
and the moat that drowns your hope
of return
why resist
just stay
and burn

Clean Cuts

At least make it clean
Cut into me
Face the music
Face the night
There is no longer
an obligation
no directions
no matter what we do
this won't be right
i can see clearly
into the place I left behind
i can't remember
the words I said won't come
whether I lost or won
at least make this clean
leave the heart in two
I need the pieces
to live again
bleed slowly through
there is no obligation
no courtesy
anyway you try to slice it
I still come unglued
I can see so clearly
the night I stepped into
facing the dark
standing still, apart
knowing I lose my heart

the woman that could

I didn't want it to end
I didn't want to still care
Yet something
made me want to forgive
In every way
I could

I wanted to sleep next to you
I wanted to hold your hand
And not
Think twice about it
So naturally,
I could

I hated to think of you
I hated to remember
All the good
Times we should've had
In every way,
I could

I didn't want to begin
I didn't give in
I wanted to say
I had been wrong
That I would make it
That
I could

beans

just to set
the record straight
they didn't spill
count the beans
if you doubt
just know
I don't see
what the fuss
is all about

Falling Apart

I don't take my time for kindness anymore
I don't expect
to find it with you
I don't tell you how I feel anymore
I don't think you care
just another bleeding heart?
No, dear
I'm just falling apart
This mess you can't clean
This puzzle you can't solve
This role you can't play
This sin you can't absolve
Why I let you fuck me over
Why I let you violate me
I'll never know
Whatever I felt once
Whatever fantasy
Was nothing more than
a hand hold for the fall?
I hit the ground anyway
broken and dazed at the bottom
but maybe
I hadn't come as far as I thought
I looked up and saw you
walking
You looked back like you expected something
You looked back like you expected nothing
But I felt the ache
The betrayal then
with every loving word
every soft touch
every warm gaze
every cold thrust
The illusion was strong because
I wanted to believe
I don't tell you how I feel anymore
I don't think you care
just another bleeding heart?
No, dear
I'm just falling apart

Fly

I set my feet down
beside your feet
pointed them in a direction
and tried to fly
tangled
in my messy heart
I watched you
you took off
never looked back
to see me fall
to watch me fall
and I knew then, too
that it wasn't that
you didn't care
but rather
my pain
was too painful
my sorrow
too sorrowful
and you
couldn't bear the weight
of my saddness
on your shoulders
or else
you couldn't fly

Pulling

pulling away
I won't accept this
as a kindness
you never really gave
you only picked up the pieces
to throw in my face
to let me know
where I did not stand
any place I thought I had
was a fantasy
this should be the end
but I'm pulling

I didn't need a free ride
I knew I had to pay

Bitterness

I haven't found my happiness
Bitterness has shown herself
in flowing colors to me,
in black ink
words etched and inlayed in her
a message I can't yet read,
but somehow
I understand
Leave this behind
Close the box
nail the lid down
nail the wood
my hands underneath pushing up
breaking, cutting
and drops of blood fall
like tears, rain on my face
the coolness of the split second shock
and warmth speading around
in so many layers

Silly Talk

I take this very seriously
the job you have assigned
making you feel better
by telling little lies
there is no place for error
no solid ground to walk
and anything you do not like
is simply silly talk

I like to make you wonder
you like to make me cry
no reason for your malice
just a place to put your pride
there is no place for error
no solid ground to walk
and anything you do not like
is simply silly talk

I did.

And still,
to reach out
means a risk
means an indication
something we all
mistake

I didn't look into your eyes
for nothing
I didn't ask you what you thought
to play games
you didn't make me smile
to get anything
and still,

to reach out
means compassion
means selflessness
something we all
mistake

I didn't want to hold out my hand
because it meant too much
it could be seen
as a threat
and still,
I did.

losing

bid on my heart, barter my soul
sell me like a slave to your love
to your love
lay me in the ground
shallow in my grave
you stand alone

tired of losing your love
tired of being friends
tired of saying what I don't mean
tired of losing again

sever the ties, salt the ground
lay me to rest cause I'm lost in the sound
in the sound
leaving this behind
this bitter place, this painful song

Like the Wind

"Hey, Thanks."
They say
While they run off
Like a pack of ravenous dogs
Tearing apart their self respect
Tearing apart their disguises
The wool flies
And free from their fleece prison
They run like the wind
Trailing, tracking,
Not caring, not questioning
"Not here, not now."
They think
While they play
Like a fervent pianist
Creating something greater
Killing the beauty
For the importance
And now,
There is no answer
They fly away
Like the wind