the woman that could

I didn't want it to end
I didn't want to still care
Yet something
made me want to forgive
In every way
I could

I wanted to sleep next to you
I wanted to hold your hand
And not
Think twice about it
So naturally,
I could

I hated to think of you
I hated to remember
All the good
Times we should've had
In every way,
I could

I didn't want to begin
I didn't give in
I wanted to say
I had been wrong
That I would make it
That
I could

beans

just to set
the record straight
they didn't spill
count the beans
if you doubt
just know
I don't see
what the fuss
is all about

Falling Apart

I don't take my time for kindness anymore
I don't expect
to find it with you
I don't tell you how I feel anymore
I don't think you care
just another bleeding heart?
No, dear
I'm just falling apart
This mess you can't clean
This puzzle you can't solve
This role you can't play
This sin you can't absolve
Why I let you fuck me over
Why I let you violate me
I'll never know
Whatever I felt once
Whatever fantasy
Was nothing more than
a hand hold for the fall?
I hit the ground anyway
broken and dazed at the bottom
but maybe
I hadn't come as far as I thought
I looked up and saw you
walking
You looked back like you expected something
You looked back like you expected nothing
But I felt the ache
The betrayal then
with every loving word
every soft touch
every warm gaze
every cold thrust
The illusion was strong because
I wanted to believe
I don't tell you how I feel anymore
I don't think you care
just another bleeding heart?
No, dear
I'm just falling apart

Fly

I set my feet down
beside your feet
pointed them in a direction
and tried to fly
tangled
in my messy heart
I watched you
you took off
never looked back
to see me fall
to watch me fall
and I knew then, too
that it wasn't that
you didn't care
but rather
my pain
was too painful
my sorrow
too sorrowful
and you
couldn't bear the weight
of my saddness
on your shoulders
or else
you couldn't fly

Pulling

pulling away
I won't accept this
as a kindness
you never really gave
you only picked up the pieces
to throw in my face
to let me know
where I did not stand
any place I thought I had
was a fantasy
this should be the end
but I'm pulling

I didn't need a free ride
I knew I had to pay

Bitterness

I haven't found my happiness
Bitterness has shown herself
in flowing colors to me,
in black ink
words etched and inlayed in her
a message I can't yet read,
but somehow
I understand
Leave this behind
Close the box
nail the lid down
nail the wood
my hands underneath pushing up
breaking, cutting
and drops of blood fall
like tears, rain on my face
the coolness of the split second shock
and warmth speading around
in so many layers

Silly Talk

I take this very seriously
the job you have assigned
making you feel better
by telling little lies
there is no place for error
no solid ground to walk
and anything you do not like
is simply silly talk

I like to make you wonder
you like to make me cry
no reason for your malice
just a place to put your pride
there is no place for error
no solid ground to walk
and anything you do not like
is simply silly talk